Love Notes to Black Teen Girls: A Gift from a trauma therapist for Teen Self-Esteem Month

May is National Teen Self-Esteem Month. When we talk about self-esteem building and self-image issues in teens, few people have it harder than Black teen girls do. The weight of the world is on their shoulders. The world tells Black girls that they’re missing the mark. They are told their body type is not attractive unless some of their natural curves are being sexualized.  They live under the burden of being too this, too that, and not enough of the other - all at the same time. If Black girls are outspoken and confident in the classroom, they are disciplined at higher rates than other girls. Their hairstyles and clothing choices are policed and looked down on. 

It seems like everybody wants a piece of you as a Black teen girl, either to objectify or to scrutinize, leaving you very little room to just...exist. 

All of this is why Black teenage girls are disproportionately targeted, harassed, and left dealing with the beginnings of serious mental health challenges. Nearly 40% of Black teen girls have been suspended at one point. Over 67% of Black teen girls reported feeling “hopeless” for more than two weeks straight. 

Way back when I was a teenage Black girl, it became very clear that the expectations were different for me than they were for the white girls at my mostly-white all-girls Catholic school. No one told me how to do my hair or what to wear, because we wore uniforms (though I jazzed mine up a little). I was continuously told how “different” I was from the handful of other Black girls that had passed through the school over the years. What was that “difference?” According to teachers, parents, and classmates, I was “different” from other Black girls because “you talk so well, you’re very articulate.” I stayed true to myself and thrived academically and socially, but no matter how “different” I was, it wasn’t enough to stop a guidance counselor from asking me if I was interested in trade school during my junior year because “it might be kind of difficult for you to matriculate in a real college setting.” Nothing wrong with trade school, but it wasn’t for me, and it turned out that a “different” Black girl is still weighed down by the same exact racism we all face as Black girls. Just like my “difference” didn’t protect me from people sexualizing my body and assigning me maturity - like being tall for my age and having breasts at age 13 suddenly made me wrong. The expectations for behavior were different for me than they were for white girls who hadn’t started developing young. If somebody started crying nearby in class, I got blamed. I was called boisterous and told to “control myself” for having the audacity to speak up and share my thoughts directly and kindly. It seems like Black girls are constantly told that there’s no way for them to win. 

I thought about all of these experiences and how Black teen girls are still struggling right now as we observe National Teen Self-Esteem Month. I grew up to be a trauma therapist and a wellbeing coach. I’ve put together these “love notes” for Black teen girls - some lessons and things I want you all to remember while you navigate your teen years.

1. A note about embodiment, acceptance, and self-trust. Black girls are told to not feel their bodies, that their bodies are not good enough, or that their bodies are somebody else’s property. They’re told that their behaviors are aggressive,  weird, or loud. But how do you feel about your body and your mind? 

   1. Feel your body. You don’t have to become a master Yogi or the captain of the cheerleading team. But when you get up in the morning, try a quick body scan. Close your eyes, focus on the weight of your feet on the floor, and work your way up to your head, checking in with your legs, your stomach, your arms, your neck, and your head. If you feel your body, you begin to learn how to focus on yourself and scrape off other people’s stereotypes and images of you. 

   2. Acceptance. Are there parts of you that you’re trying to hide? Black girls constantly get told to hide their skin,  breasts, and butts.  They might be feeling terrible about their bodies, but instead of saying that out loud and working to change that, some may exaggerate self-worth, say hurtful things about other teens, and project a false image to the world. Don’t hide. Accept yourself. Accept that your body and mind are wonderfully made! Accepting your body and mind as they are, along with their constant growth, is the first step to reclaiming it from other people’s BS. 

   3. Self-trust. Being a Black girl means growing up in a world that constantly tells you that you can’t trust yourself. You learn that if you speak up for yourself in class, you were being “disruptive” - even if you were complaining about something that was messed up in the first place. Some girls learn that if you’re in pain, you’re being hysterical and causing trouble. Eventually, these stereotypes and forms of misogynoir weigh teen girls down and get into our own heads. Learn to trust yourself in small bits throughout the day. It doesn’t have to start in a big way. Trust yourself to advocate for yourself in a variety of ways, including when something has been said to you that isn’t accurate or respectful. Trust yourself when you feel hurt. Trust yourself when you’re considering auditioning for a play or applying to college. Even if you don’t trust yourself yet, take a chance, step out anyway, and gradually you will feel more self-assured. Self-trust is a practiced skill. Give yourself a chance to learn it!

1. A note about healthy relationships. Many teen girls are victims of sexual abuse, harassment, retaliation, and intimate partner/dating violence. Out of all the women who report being victims of stalking, physical violence, or sexual violence by a partner, 26% of them report that it happened first before they were 18. We’ve normalized abusive and toxic relationships in our culture and teenage girls bear the brunt of this cycle - they’re vulnerable and don’t want to identify what’s happening to them as abusive, which is why Billie Eilish’s words rang so true in Vogue.

Black girls are in an even more impossible place as they start growing into their teen years. Our bodies are hyper-sexualized and we’re accused of distracting or seducing men, “looking for trouble,” or being “fast” - all just because we have the audacity to exist, all because of society’s obsession with our bodies. The types of intimate partner violence we face are also unique because we are marginalized and targeted for being both female and Black. Victim-blaming looks different for us. We’re at constant risk of being “slut-shamed.” If something happens, people are inclined to point the finger at us or not believe us at all. These toxic, unhealthy experiences crawl into our minds and leave us feeling unworthy, neglected, and hurt. Black girls are also unique in that many of us do not have resources or awareness about how to address and heal from these traumas. We see this cycle play out in our communities and in the media all the time.

To guard against toxic or abusive relationships, pay attention to your feelings and proactively consider what healthy relationships look like. Ask yourself:

• “Do I feel safe with this person?” 

• “Do I feel like we’re always fighting?”

• “Do I feel like this person respects my experiences as a Black girl?”

• “Do I feel responsible for this person’s feelings?” 

• “Do I feel like this person is pressuring me or objectifying me?”

• “Do I feel like I have to hide or bend myself to please them?” 

When you trust yourself to ask these questions, you protect yourself from mistaking unhealthy relationships for healthy ones.  No relationship is worth depleting your energy or putting yourself through hell.

1. A note about the basics. 

At the end of the day, you have to remember that you are strong, powerful, and worthy. If you're looking for some basic rules to hold onto, remember these four things.

1. When someone tells you that you have “an attitude” when you speak up about something you’ve experienced, something you believe, something you saw, or something you feel threatened about, continue speaking without missing a beat. Do not make yourself small, so that someone else can be comfortable.

2. If someone insists that you are lying about your age or you’re big for your age, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you can’t be big for your age, because you are the age and the size that you are. You are just right!

3. When someone makes comments about your skin color or the texture of your hair, let them know how cool it is that you can be so versatile with your hairstyles, and then break down the benefits of melanin.

Try not to forget (and if you do, remind yourself quickly!) that Black girls rock.